If musicals be the food of Love, Dream On!

Posted by Ben Smith

September 26, 2008

It’s been a winning formula for a couple of years now…

Take a hit West End musical, and transform it into a high budget glitzy movie starring Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones or Pears Brosnan. Then sit back on your private yacht with the champagne and Honeyz all around, and watch the $$$$ roll in.

I can almost hear the unscrupulous movie producers’ distorted minds ticking over through the din of cocaine-induced jitters and gurning: “It worked with Chicago, now let’s do it with The Producers. It kind of worked with The Producers, now let’s do it with Mamma Mia!. And by God did it work with Mamma Mia!, let’s do it with Wicked next fall.”

So basically this concept works out great for all involved, Catherine Zeta-Jones is happy because she becomes even more worthy of her marriage to ‘alleged’ sex addict Michael Douglas; the movie producers are happy because they can pay the tab on their lives of sin and debauchery; and the shows are grateful for the additional interest, because there is no denying that movie exposure puts fresh pink booty on seats.

But an interesting role reversal has been taking place recently, because now it seems that kind and virtuous West End theatre producers (who seem in most ways to be the direct opposites of their movie counterparts) are returning the favour, and using some of cinemas best-loved offerings as inspiration for new shows. The first of these being Rain Man at the Apollo Theatre, based on the Oscar-winning film staring Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman, closely followed by Edward Scissorhands in December (although it was actually on stage a while back, too), and an exciting production of Sister Act proposed for the New Year.

As some of you may already know, I take great pride in having aspirations far above my station. So it seems only right for me to take the incredible liberty of putting together a list of films that I am 100% certain will make more than a billion pounds a piece when my sound advice is heeded, and they are turned into the next exciting crop of West End shows. Just sit back in a firm chair, and let the theatrical genius wash over you like a comforting summertime wave???

Walk The Line – The Johnny Cash Musical

With the recent success of Jersey Boys and the Johnny Cash movie I think the world is now more than ready for a show all about the life and times of The Man In Black. It follows Johnny from his humble beginnings as a little cotton-picker in Arkansas and radio operator in the Air Force, through his meteoric rise to musical superstardom, and finally the inevitable drug addiction.

Of course, the show would have to end on a high with the now legendary moment when a drugged-up and strung-out Cash crawls into Nickajack’s Cave to die… only to hear the voice of God telling him: “Turn your life around,” and “Get back to singing those infections Country Hits”. (God evidently loves Country music.) For the die-hard Cash fans out there, you’ll know that he had his own personal Jesus.

*Update 26/09/08* Some little scoundrel on Broadway stole my idea, and is now enjoying riches that are rightfully mine! I’m very angry and resentful - I really want my riches!

Star Trek The Next Generation - The Next Generation of Musical

Before I die (hopefully hundreds of years from now in a house made of money), I must see Patrick Stewart in a musical version of Star Trek - singing and dancing, and doing a mass Bogel routine with Beverly Crusher and her little sprog Wesley. With Patrick’s little bald head properly powdered to save annoying reflection from the stage lights, this would surely be an interplanetary hit!

Clockwork Orange – The Banned Musical

Okay, so I think we’ll have to book a nice little theatre in Amsterdam for this production, otherwise we’re looking at an instant ban from the Mary Whitehouse mob (if they still exist). But on the bright side we can experience all the wonders that the amazing city has to offer. Like Anne Frank’s house, beautiful canals, multi-coloured tulips… and SEX!!! Whoops, did I write that out loud.

Rocky 1 - The Musical

This is my most self-indulgent of choices because Rocky is my guilty pleasure. For some reason I love every Rocky film ever made! Yes even Rocky IV with the Russian…

Rocky cast album out now featuring these classic songs:

Your not a fighter, you’re a bum
If he dies, he dies
Yo, Adrian! It’s me, Rocky!
You’re gonna eat lightning, and you’re gonna crap thunder!
If you stop this fight I’ll kill you
If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change
Get up you son of a bitch, ‘cos Mickey loves ya!

Pre-order your copy now… from my mind.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This would make such a great show - I can’t believe it has not been done already! All the fun of the classic film, but live on stage!!! Pack it with hilarious singing and dancing routines, and the punters will be itching for tickets. We’ll just have to put our heads together and think of a catchy title, maybe something like Corned Beefalot or Luncheon Meatalot.

We might also let Eric Idle be involved if he begs, because interestingly enough he used to write much of the music for the Python films.

Big Bang Day - The Musical

The show starts with a strange blend of mechanical noises and babies crying that crescendos slowly to a near-climactic point… then a countdown starts though the barrage of dry ice:

Five…
Four…
Three …
Two…
One… One… One… One

Suddenly, the whole theatre is plunged into darkness, everything goes black, and metal restraints grasp the hands of every audience member as they experience five hours of ‘Black Hole Theatre’ (I’m patenting it as I type), followed by dinner at Pulcinella for £37.50 per person.

That concludes my list of magical new musicals for the future - see you in the next post!

Theatre Tickets Book Here

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