What I do know is that La Clique is a fantastic spectacle, where performers invariably push their mortality to the limits time and time again! Since starting performances on Oct. 10th, La Clique has been wowing audiences into the wee hours.

The best way I can describe this show is a clever amalgamation of vaudeville, cabaret and a small, delicious dollop of smut. However, this show isn’t all about the temptations of the flesh – oh no! There is a real historical thread in La Clique that suits the Hippodrome perfectly; recalling the old days of this famous London venue.

Originally constructed in 1900 as a water circus with a 100,000 litre pool in which elephants, polar bears and sea lions (oh my!) could be seen, the Hippodrome has hosted performances as wide ranging as escapologist Harry Houdini, Ivor Novello, Judy Garland, and Sugar Ray Robinson. The mood of the current production is typical of the venue after it’s circus days, with dim lighting and - small intimate tables dispersed throughout the circular venue; a very jazzy feel.

As I took in my surroundings, I waited with baited breath for the production. As Mario, Queen of the Circus tried to summarise the events to come, I started to get slightly nervous… I am not someone who copes well with odd and otherwise extremely painful movements/positions that are well beyond my own ample… gymnastic abilities. With acts like, Hanky Panky, Captain Frodo’s contortionism, David O’Mer’s bath time acrobatics, The English Gents and much more – my imagination started to run wild…
After facing my fears, I realised there was more to La Clique than meets the eye! Literally, but we’re all adults here… nothing we haven’t seen before. Okay, well maybe not.

My top three moments were easy to pick out – what were they I hear you ask? Well, if you must know:

3. Miss Behave

Not only was she absolutely adorable, but she had a wonderful stage presence. I found her to be light and funny – and easy on the eyes for the gentleman theatregoers out there. Known as a woman who can swallow both large and sharp objects, Miss Behave can also do amazing tricks with flowers – but be careful… if you’re not looking, she may just guzzle (literally, there was nothing dainty about it) an entire glass of your wine.

2. Captain Frodo

I thought I had reached my limit during this segment of epic contortions, but Frodo was not only immensely talented and able to pull some fantastic stunts, but he was also quite comical about the whole thing! Even while pushing his body through a tennis racquet in the midst of dislocating his shoulder or perhaps balancing with his legs behind his head a top a descending tower of buckets – he was making the crowd giggle. No matter what I was doing in response (covering my eyes, or turning my head downwards), I wasn’t thinking about anything else. Except for the cotton candy machine waiting to be sparked up in the lobby… you would too!

1. David O’Mer

Ahhh… the denim clad Adonis. O’Mer put on the most unusual and entertaining part of the show, with enough acrobatic wonderment to go around! All I’m going to say is that there’s a bathtub, water, and a very long cable… take all of that and add a highly skilled German acrobat that has the talent of a gold medal gymnast and the looks of a Greek God and hey - presto!, you have an equation for pure enjoyment.

If these three highlights aren’t enough to lure you to the Hippodrome and visit La Clique then you have bigger problems… seriously. For some odd reason that you’re not convinced check out this video link or even better - attend the spectacle and see for yourself. You really can only find this kind of show at one place in theatreland… need I say more?

La Clique Tickets Here

Daily Mail – Quentin Letts – 31/10/08

Five Stars

“A total triumph”

“Irresistible”

“Jerry Herman’s witty, melodic, uncomplicated songs”

“A belter of a night out”

Evening Standard – Nicholas de Jongh – 31/10/08

“A sentimental, spectacular show”

“A wonderful chorus of athletic, high-kicking drag queens”

“A world of appealing, comic make-believe”

“Douglas Hodge revels in with seductive élan in Albin’s swishing, simmering drag act”

Whatsonstage.com – Michael Coveney – 31/10/08

Five Stars

“Gorgeous”

“Douglas Hodge gives a knock-out, irresistible performance”

“Terry Johnson’s marvellous production”

“Hodge builds his performance to a storming exit”

“Lynn Page’s stunning choreography”

“A great Broadway show has been re-born as a classic musical comedy with real punch and pizzazz”

Daily Telegraph – Charles Spencer – 01/11/08

“Bravo” At last a musical to sweep away those credit-crunch blues”

“Jerry Herman’s exuberantly tuneful musical”

“This joyous show and Douglas Hodge’s wonderful performance deserve every hurrah and standing ovation they receive”

“As an antidote to the credit-crunch blues, La Cage aux Folles, is unbeatable. And the conspiracy of pleasure Terry Johnson’s production creates seems even more irresistible now”

“This is one of those golden, glowing shows that makes everyone seems welcome”

“It is impossible to praise Hodge’s wonderfully, deeply touching performance too highly. There is a deliciously comic delicacy about his feminine movements, a sense of damaged dignity beyond his outrageous hissy fits”

Thjis is one of those thrilling, high-definition performances that will linger long in the memory of all who see it”

“The boys playing the girls of La Cage bring the house down with their extravagant drag, outrageous rudery and brilliantly choreographed dance routines.

“This is a glorious night of showbiz razzle-dazle and emotional generosity”

The Times – Sam Marlowe – 03/11/08

“Gay old comedy struts with a new vitality”

“Suddenly the West End sparkles: Terry Johnson’s production of this 1983 Jerry Herman / Harvey Fierstein show transfers triumphantly from the small-yet-mighty Menier Chocolate Factory”

“Terry Johnson, aided by Lynn Page’s dazzling choreography, makes a chirpy comedy into a beautiful bird of paradise, glowing with colour, strutting with attitude and all the more effective for the moulting, mangy patches in its bright plumage”

“This is a production that delights”

“Douglas Hodge in full slap and wig assumes magnificence”

“A gut-wrenching, roof-raising rendition of the enduring anthem I Am What I Am”

“Sew on a sequin, slip into some heels and go”

Independent – Michael Coveney – 03/11/08

Five Stars

“This fantastic revival fully restores a great show as a bitter-sweet social classic”

“Herman’s rich, melodic score has been brilliantly adapted by Jason Carr”

The Guardian – Michael Billington – 01/11/08

Five Stars

“Douglas Hodge’s St. Tropez transvestite bestrides the stage like a camp Colossus”

“The chief glory of this revival, however is Hodge’s rhinestoned Albin, which proves once again that inside most legit actors is a vaudevillian act to be let out”

“A display of energy unrivalled on a West End stage”

“A showbiz landmark”

Independent on Sunday – Kate Bassett – 02/11/08

“A joyous triumph”

“Jerry Herman and Harvey Fierstein’s joyously camp musical”

“This show is a triumph for the London Fringe’s Menier Chocolate Factory”

“Lawson reveals his natty panache, launching into flurries of tap and nimbly balancing on the tip of his chaise longue. He can croon a tune admirably too”

“Douglas Hodge is simply wonderful in a spangled frock, and a hilarious and adorable blend of burliness and effable sweetness. His softly smiling relationship with the audience is enchanting. His fey mannerisms are comically spot-on”

Sunday Express – Mark Shenton – 02/11/08

Five Stars

“Jerry Herman and Harvey Fierstein’s blissfully tuneful and funny musical farce, and the spectacular new West End production, is full of heart and fun”

“Douglas Hodge plays the role of drag queen Albin with a dazzling and sinuating brilliance”

La Cage aux Folles Tickets Here

But wait, before you denounce me as an arrogant little twerp who has “Gone a little too far this time”, let me first offer my excuses, and the REAL reason I can so highly endorse the title of my own post…

I STOLE IT!

Let me rephrase that…I did not actually steal it, but this special headline was really the brainchild of “Jeff” (our wonderful in-house computer programmer) who sits right opposite me on the third floor of Discount Theatre towers. He had this inspired thought whilst wading though the multitude of 0s + 1s that keep our particular ship in good shape.

So not only is he responsible for the easy and secure booking system you have no doubt come to know and love over the last couple of years, but now he is also going to be my first port of call for snappy blog titles as well!

Another reason this made me smile ominously is that like all the best headlines throughout history, it surreptitiously explains exactly what the subject matter is whilst leaving plenty of room for the required intrigue and infamy that makes this a must-read, eyeball-magnet for all true theatre fans…

Now let’s get to the point; an amazing announcement has just been made that unites two mighty Shakespearian powers into an event that will rock “Mother Theatre” to her very foundations. I’m going to call this next part “One Play to Rule Them All” for reasons that will become very clear.

IAN MCKELLEN AND PATRICK STEWART ARE SET TO STAR IN SAMUEL BECKETT’S

WAITING FOR GODOT

Yes these two home-grown Hollywood heavyweights, and veterans of the stage join forces to play Beckett’s famous Tramps in a special UK tour, but more importantly (for us Londoners anyway) at The Theatre Royal Haymarket!

When “Waiting For Godot” first hit the stage back in the 50’s it was kind of panned by an ultra conservative British public who where too busy smoking on the tube and flogging their children to be bothered about a couple of Hobos merrily passing the time of two days waiting for their elusive Godot.

But as sure as eggs is eggs the play soon ingrained itself into the public consciousness and was promptly hailed as a “Modern Classic” for which Mr. Beckett was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature.

Just to clarify; we’re talking about Sam Beckett the playwright:

Not the Quantum Leaping time traveler:

As Patrick Stewart knows from his many real life experiences aboard the Starship Enterprise, you can’t have a really successful mission in theatre or space without a great captain at the helm…

So to make sure Mekellen and Stewart “Boldly go where no actors have gone before” acclaimed director Sean Mathias will take charge and steer The Good Ship Godot towards “Warp-Ticket-Selling-Speed” when the play opens in April 2009. (ENOUGH WITH THE PUNS ME THINKS!)

By the way, I saw Patrick Stewart at Green Park station last year and was really tempted to run after him like some kind of crazed superfan screaming “Sign me Patrick, Sign me…Sign My Face!!!” though unfortunately I had already tapped-in and had to let him escape. But who knows what might happen when the play opens literally 1 minute form where I work…keep an eye on the London Lite for amazing pictures of me embarrassing myself!

Booking From: Thursday, 30 April 2009
Booking Until: Sunday, 28 June 2009

Venue: Haymarket Theatre Royal
Address: Haymarket, London, SW1Y 4H

P.S Hey Amigo! If you agree that this is definitely a once in a lifetime kind of occasion then I’m sure you’ll want to get your tickets early before they totally sell out: Here’s the Waiting for Godot link.

There are shows in the west end right now that can actually help you live longer, healthier and happier lives. Here’s how…

*I’m about to get a little spiritual on your ass, but stick with me because there’s a valuable theatre fable in here somewhere!*

This week (apart from theatre excursions) I have mostly been listening to the Tony Robbins audio tapes, and for the uninitiated Robbins is one of those really obnoxious American motivators who teaches how to live your life, and love your God to the max!

So whilst pounding packed streets back to my Earls Court homestead (dodging tramps and happy shoppers) I’ve been filling my ears with success techniques form the American maverick who always finishes his broadcasts with the sickly sweet catchphrase LIVE WITH PASSION.

Is This A Big Bunch Of Bull? (You Deicide)

Lesson #1

The first lesson I learned from Tony was the Law of Attraction which suggests:

“Whatever you think about consistently will show up in your life as if by magic.”

This worked for me right-out-the-box because all day long I was thinking about cooking Sirloin Steak in foaming butter / Olive Oil, and when I got home I was Magically carrying a Waitrose bag full of all the ingredients to make Sirloin Steak in foaming butter / Olive Oil, plus the *bonus* side dish of sautéed potatoes with spring onion. I literally manifested it right out of thin air and all it took was money and effort.

== >> Interesting fact: Sirloin Steak is called Sirloin steak because Henry VIII gave it a Knighthood. He thought it was scrummy too…

Lesson #2

The next thing was a concept for planning important projects called “OPA” which stands for Outcome>Purpose>Action. (It’s crucial to do it in that order.)

Here’s my OPA plan for this post; the idea is to exaggerate a little which helps with enthusiasm, passion and mental juice.

OUTCOME: Inspire the Oliver Awards ‘People’ to create a new category called “The Theatre Blogging Lifetime Achievement Award” in my honour.

PURPOSE: Because want to enrich the humanity with timely theatre titbits.

ACTION: Type like buggery for two hours, drink Starbucks, then come back and edit the shambles of words I’ve created into something that sounds kind of theatre related.

Lesson #3

The third and most theatre relevant concept in this magical three part symphony is that:

Laughter can be a REAL cure for many of Man’s problems.

.
To illustrate his point Mr Robbins tells the story of a young woman who is diagnosed with a terrible disease, and instead of going through the long-winded traditional medical treatments buys the entire box set of Sex and the City DVDs. Can you guess what happened?

CURED!

After hearing this unbelievable FACT I noticed a little cough had taken root in my throat and decided to run a test. My medicine would not be Tixylix but an absolute Only Fools and Horses FEST in a darkened room…

20 hours later my little cough HAD GONE…only to be replaced by a pulsing migraine and mild vitamin E deficiency. SO IT WORKED!

WHAT on Earth has all this got to do with Theatre?

Well as if by the magic of perfect comedy timing, no sooner has this new Laughter Cure discovery come to public attention, than the West End seems to be overrun by some of TV’s best loved comedy heroes! Breaking down invisible theatre barriers and pitching up in some of London’s most cherished venues, these comedy Fat Cats are leaving a trail of broken sales records in their wake.

YES comedians have truly invaded the West End like some medieval Roman Garrisons building the straightest roads to hilarity that the world has ever seen. Accompanied on their flights of fantastic fancy by a loyal army of fans and a ‘Grizzly Death-Move’ which involves taking an innocent member of the audience and literally splitting their sides open with well observed humor.

So without further ado here are the Holy Trinity of Funsters who are set to hold the capital under hilarious siege in coming months.

French and Saunders - Still Alive

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The “Final Tour” as Britain’s most popular duo call time or their 30 year partnership with this lap of honour. You can expect to witness some of their most famous and memorable sketches in this wet-your-knickers show at the Theatre Royal!

French Says: Dawn French was the first person every to say “Blowjob” on national television, so happily they will always have their little place in the annals of history…

Venue: Theatre Royal Drury Lane
Booking From: Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Booking Until: Saturday, 08 November 2008

Billy Bailey - Tinselworm

Apparently Bill Bailey has perfect pitch which means if you go up to him and say “Hey Bill sing me and E” he will go “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” and that will be exactly the same as a perfect E on the Piano. Isn’t that wild!

Bill Says: Terrible lyrics from The Killers “I’ve got soul/but I’m not a soldier”, you might as well say “I’ve got ham/but I’m not a hamster.”

My girlfriend saw old Bill and his little son on the train the other day and wants me to urge you to book tickets because he seemed like a really loving father, patiently answering zillions of questions with a mild mannered benevolence.

But I know that YOU don’t care about all that mushy stuff and just want the HARD FACTS:

So I absolutely guarantee that this show will make you cry TEARS OF JOY :====

Venue: Gielgud Theatre
Booking From: Monday, 10 November 2008
Booking Until: Saturday, 20 December 2008

Eddie Izzard - Stripped

The Python influenced comedian who describes himself as a “male lesbian” is back doing what he does best after the small matter of conquering American TV and film.

Eddie Says: “So… I’ve decided there’s no God.”

My earliest recolection of Eddie Izzard is that his gigs would often come on just after Eurotrash. His crossdressing comedy missiles were always the perfect pudding after a heavy session of Eurotrash watching.

Venue: *Coming Soon*
Booking From: *Coming Soon*
Booking Until: *Coming Soon*

Laughter is no JOKE, depressing entertainment BE GONE!

I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to watch any of the following TV shows as they are ruining my juice and passion for life:

• Girl With 8 Legs
• The Man Who Ate His Lover
• Half-Ton Man
• She Stole My Fetus
• Update: I’m Glad I Ate My Legs
• The Boy Who Gave Birth To His Twin
• The Man Who Slept for 19 Years
• The 80-year-old Children
• The Two-Headed Baby!!!

No instead I’m going to spend every waking minute either attending fun-filled family theatre or watching classic comedy episodes from TV past, present and future.

You plonkers…

Cheap london theatre tickets

Boasting 5 star reviews, the Norman Conquests is showing until December 20th for a limited run. Director Matthew Warchus (Speed-the-Plow, God of Carnage and Lord of the Rings) brilliantly displays a quirky, free spirited librarian’s clouded attempt to make women happy by showering them with love.

For those of you who have yet to see the show (s) let me take you on a little verbal tour through the hilarious and interesting play that is The Norman Conquests. Broken into three interwoven productions: Table Manners, Living Together, and Round and Round the Garden; this trilogy involves six family members who have gone away to a country house together for a weekend. The action surrounds one character in particular, Norman (Stephen Mangan), who attempts to seduce his wife’s sister and his brother-in-law’s wife, while managing to keep his own spouse relatively happy. That’s right, not one but all the women in his life… talk about a scandal! After viewing all three plays - believe me, it’s much more than a story about a man who clearly has less in common with his own wife than he does Russell Brand.

Three Plays in One!

Each part of the production takes place in a different location. Table Manners is set in a dining room, Living Together in a sitting room, and Round and Round the Garden situated in the gardens of the country home. I was tickled pink as the story unfolded - the characters interact with one another oozing wit and frustration. Each location provides a different mood to explore; watch as Norman’s adulterous tendencies become not so secret to the other guests!

A couple questions to ask yourself while watching: are Norman’s efforts genuine or is he taking his nerdy Don Juan alter ego to the limit? How much damage will he inflict on the objects of his affection?

Overall, this contemporary depiction of a funny family reunion is a must see this autumn. As a “trilogy of masterpieces” (The Daily Express), The Norman Conquests explores issues of love, lonliness, sex and marriage. This is a highly accessible show with the ability to take you instantly through a pit of your own failed relationships, with a moment of clarity to follow; an insight into your own soul perhaps?

With tickets selling from £30 to see the individual productions, who knows, it may be cheaper than an overpriced psychologist or if you ARE like Russell Brand, a fortnight in a sex addiction clinic!

The best part is – the next time I’m back at the infamous Old Vic, it will be an entirely new experience. God I love the theatre!!!

London Theatre Tickets / Theatre Tickets

One of the biggest reasons Edith Piaf has been such an enduring icon is that despite the millions of words written in books and biographies, much of her life is still shrouded in mystery. Happily many intriguing legends have replaced boring old facts.

So to wet your appetite for the show (which opens at the Vaudeville Theatre on October 18th) here are a few of my favourites:

Born on the Pavement (Truth Rating 3/10)

Let’s kick off our run down right at the beginning, the very moment when little Edith took her first tiny breath in this cruel cruel world. Legend suggests that she was born right on the street, and when I say street I mean that her crash mat was the cold hard pavement. I was born at ‘Queen Charlotte’s Hospital’ in Hammersmith so I can only imagine the scene… screaming, scratching, lots of blood, cats looking on in wonder, men selling fruit from scruffy stalls, children playing with dog poo.

Honestly that does not sound like a very sterile environment in which birth a young infant. If I look out my window here, onto the streets of Leicester Square I can see a number of weird looking men with overlong beards and floppy cigarettes supposedly tiding up, and I must admit that London does feel a little bit cleaner recently. But the streets of Paris back in 1915 must have been teaming with nasty parasites just waiting to pounce on a little baby.

I wouldn’t have lasted a week with all those germs, not with my sickly constitution…

What’s in a name? (Truth Rating 5/10)

The Edith part of Edith Piaf’s name supposedly comes from the heroic British nurse Edith Cavell, who in World War 1 risked life and limb to transport injured British and French troops back to neutral territory. Unfortunately she was caught and sent to the firing squad, but became a martyr and hero for many people during the war, and a number of little babies were awarded the name in her honour.

The Piaf part develops many years later when fans attending her live performances were shocked to see how very small the woman was, only four feet ten inches! After saying “Ooo isn’t she small” the nickname Piaf was given, meaning “Little Sparrow” in French. (Not that I speak French you understand, apart from “Je M’Appelle Ben, et c’est mon freind Chris” and “Je voudrais roast beouf.”)

Personally I will name my two unborn daughters Sandalwood 1 and Sandalwood 2, for I believe a spirit from wood and trees runs through us all…

P.S

Why are older people called: Ethel, Maureen, Margret, Phyllis and Enoch…?

And younger people called: Flash, Imagen, Shy, Peaches, Pixies, Brooklyn, Apple, Romeo and Tiger…?

Weird…

Raised by Prostitutes (Truth Rating 8/10)

Before enlisting to help fight World War 1, Edith’s father called up his mother and said “Hi Mum, I’m just off to help fight World War 1, would you mind watching the baby for me until I get back”. His Mother said “SURE!”

The only slight issue here was that Edith’s grandmother was the madam of a Paris brothel, which for some ‘Bleeding Heart Liberals’ might not sound like ideal place to bring up an innocent young girl.

But by all accounts little Edith had a whale of a time making friends with the women there, allowing herself to be fussed over and adopted as their little cherub of sin.

Let there be sight (Truth Rating 5/10)

Another rumor I’ve often heard is that Edith lost her sight when she was three due to a nasty condition called Keratitis, in which the eye’s cornea becomes inflamed.

Cue a piece of amazing kindliness on the part of her grandmother’s brothel women who scrimped and saved, pooling their money they sent Edith on a religious pilgrimage resulting in sight being restored.

It’s a miracle….

CDs in 1946 (Truth Rating 0/10)

Finally the music world catches on and realizes that Edith Piaf has just the right mixture of talent and tragedy to sell bucket loads of CDs, which were invented right after the World War 1 to boost moral. (Just like our latter-day Pop Idols who always seem to be most successful when struggling with some kind of drug abuse or family tragedy.)

Club owner Louis Leplée was first to discover Edith singing on the streets and persuaded her to perform at his establishment even though she had crushing stage fright.

That was it, everybody loved the ‘Little Sparrow’ and the world became her oyster card.

Ello Ello (Truth Rating 1/10)

During World War 2 Edith was branded ‘Traitor’ due to her frequent performances for the German troops, although she always maintained that throughout this period she was really working as a double agent for the French resistance, and used her position and popularity to aid the war effort.

That sounds kind of feasible to me, so I think I’m going to believe it wholeheartedly. It’s like my mother always says, “Don’t let questionable morals get in the way of an enjoyable iTunes playlist, apart from when it comes to Gary Glitter!”

Biggest Star in the Universe (Truth Rating 10/10)

Due to her rather colorful lifestyle Edith Paif was denied a funeral mass by the Roman Catholic archbishop when she died. But 100.000 people came along anyway, and Paris descended into complete chaos and standstill for a good few hours.

A qwerky Russian astronomer even named a tiny little planet in memory of the singing-pocket-rocket, planet 3772 Piaf.

Theatre Tickets / London Theatre Tickets

2x Hamlet London = Once in a lifetime…

It is not often that such a monumental occasion graces the West-End; but frankly I’m looking forward to it. I’m not a huge Dr.Who fan (stop waving your fists about, I watched Tennant in Harry Potter and loved it!), but I have come to know that this role has been institutionalised in Britain; Tennant packs a lot of heat. As for Jude “man-pretty” Law, his credits in the silicone (oops, did I just say that?) valley of Hollywood is more notable than his previous stints on stage with Oscar Nominations strapped to his proverbial belt. Do you think he’ll be allowed to slather on the bronzer by the way? Law’s Hamlet may need a sun-kissed glow… it is seemingly his red carpet standby.

So, where and when can we expect the showdown? You want the dirty details?  Be prepared for a theatrical battle set to commence this 3rd of December as the RSC version will kick off at the Novello Theatre. The Donmar’s production of Hamlet isn’t scheduled to ignite until May 29th allowing the Royal Shakespeare Company to hit up Theatreland first.

It is no secret that David Tennant is a well trained actor with plenty of experience on stage and enough praise to last him a lifetime. Performances of the RSC production finish in Stratford-Upon-Avon on Nov. 15th after a great run that began in July ‘08.  It has been wagered that this contemporary version of Hamlet (which sees Tennant looking like a straight-up bum in some scenes) will differ in many ways to the Donmar interpretation, to be directed by the talented Kenneth Branagh (so I have a crush…don’t judge me).

David Tennant

As Hamlet, Tennant was said to transfer his “Dr.Who” persona impeccably to the stage; encapsulating the intense tragedy and despair with comedic flare. His active and engaging spirit was boasted to capture audiences. A BBC review called him “one of the funniest and well portrayed Hamlets in history.” Teaming up with Shakespearean pro Patrick Stewart (who plays Claudius), Tennant brought an interpretation that only a well-timed comedian can dish out. And if rave reviews weren’t enough for this wide-eyed funny man; performances at the Novello sold out in a mere 6 hours – crashing phone lines to boot. Talk about crazed fans!!!

Jude Law

What about our beloved Jude??? I know I had some unfavourable comments in relation to his career and public persona – but come on… it’s too easy. I feel someone who has relied so heavily on their looks will inevitably be put through the ringer as they make more serious professional decisions. So deal with it!

One thing is for sure the Donmar Company is happy to have him. Artistic Director Michael Grandage was quoted stating: “Jude is a muscular and visceral actor… and will provide a different take on versions we have seen before.” Clearly, the creative team at the Donmar and Branagh are behind Law 100% - with his drooling fans to follow. Plus Law has said time and time again that he longed to play the Dane; so the drive and passion exist.

The speculation does not lie with who will put more bums in seats, or who wanted the role more. Rather, who will be the better Hamlet London will witness??? Let’s face it; Tennant has had success on stage that Law has yet to achieve. But perhaps Law can rise from his glossy Hollywood background and take the stage with vigour! All in all, Jude will have to brood (ooh I made a rhyme) like he never has before in order to compete with the Dr. Who native. This could be his chance to prove to everyone that he’s not just a pretty face. The proof is in the pie people. Let us pray it won’t taste like feet…

Theatre Tickets / London Theatre Tickets Here

Now let’s see the master in action:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Take a hit West End musical, and transform it into a high budget glitzy movie starring Renee Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones or Pears Brosnan. Then sit back on your private yacht with the champagne and Honeyz all around, and watch the $$$$ roll in.

I can almost hear the unscrupulous movie producers’ distorted minds ticking over through the din of cocaine-induced jitters and gurning: “It worked with Chicago, now let’s do it with The Producers. It kind of worked with The Producers, now let’s do it with Mamma Mia!. And by God did it work with Mamma Mia!, let’s do it with Wicked next fall.”

So basically this concept works out great for all involved, Catherine Zeta-Jones is happy because she becomes even more worthy of her marriage to ‘alleged’ sex addict Michael Douglas; the movie producers are happy because they can pay the tab on their lives of sin and debauchery; and the shows are grateful for the additional interest, because there is no denying that movie exposure puts fresh pink booty on seats.

But an interesting role reversal has been taking place recently, because now it seems that kind and virtuous West End theatre producers (who seem in most ways to be the direct opposites of their movie counterparts) are returning the favour, and using some of cinemas best-loved offerings as inspiration for new shows. The first of these being Rain Man at the Apollo Theatre, based on the Oscar-winning film staring Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman, closely followed by Edward Scissorhands in December (although it was actually on stage a while back, too), and an exciting production of Sister Act proposed for the New Year.

As some of you may already know, I take great pride in having aspirations far above my station. So it seems only right for me to take the incredible liberty of putting together a list of films that I am 100% certain will make more than a billion pounds a piece when my sound advice is heeded, and they are turned into the next exciting crop of West End shows. Just sit back in a firm chair, and let the theatrical genius wash over you like a comforting summertime wave???

Walk The Line – The Johnny Cash Musical

With the recent success of Jersey Boys and the Johnny Cash movie I think the world is now more than ready for a show all about the life and times of The Man In Black. It follows Johnny from his humble beginnings as a little cotton-picker in Arkansas and radio operator in the Air Force, through his meteoric rise to musical superstardom, and finally the inevitable drug addiction.

Of course, the show would have to end on a high with the now legendary moment when a drugged-up and strung-out Cash crawls into Nickajack’s Cave to die… only to hear the voice of God telling him: “Turn your life around,” and “Get back to singing those infections Country Hits”. (God evidently loves Country music.) For the die-hard Cash fans out there, you’ll know that he had his own personal Jesus.

*Update 26/09/08* Some little scoundrel on Broadway stole my idea, and is now enjoying riches that are rightfully mine! I’m very angry and resentful - I really want my riches!

Star Trek The Next Generation - The Next Generation of Musical

Before I die (hopefully hundreds of years from now in a house made of money), I must see Patrick Stewart in a musical version of Star Trek - singing and dancing, and doing a mass Bogel routine with Beverly Crusher and her little sprog Wesley. With Patrick’s little bald head properly powdered to save annoying reflection from the stage lights, this would surely be an interplanetary hit!

Clockwork Orange – The Banned Musical

Okay, so I think we’ll have to book a nice little theatre in Amsterdam for this production, otherwise we’re looking at an instant ban from the Mary Whitehouse mob (if they still exist). But on the bright side we can experience all the wonders that the amazing city has to offer. Like Anne Frank’s house, beautiful canals, multi-coloured tulips… and SEX!!! Whoops, did I write that out loud.

Rocky 1 - The Musical

This is my most self-indulgent of choices because Rocky is my guilty pleasure. For some reason I love every Rocky film ever made! Yes even Rocky IV with the Russian…

Rocky cast album out now featuring these classic songs:

1. Your not a fighter, you’re a bum
2. If he dies, he dies
3. Yo, Adrian! It’s me, Rocky!
4. You’re gonna eat lightning, and you’re gonna crap thunder!
5. If you stop this fight I’ll kill you
6. If I can change, and you can change, everybody can change
7. Get up you son of a bitch, ‘cos Mickey loves ya!

Pre-order your copy now… from my mind.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This would make such a great show - I can’t believe it has not been done already! All the fun of the classic film, but live on stage!!! Pack it with hilarious singing and dancing routines, and the punters will be itching for tickets. We’ll just have to put our heads together and think of a catchy title, maybe something like Corned Beefalot or Luncheon Meatalot.

We might also let Eric Idle be involved if he begs, because interestingly enough he used to write much of the music for the Python films.

Big Bang Day - The Musical

The show starts with a strange blend of mechanical noises and babies crying that crescendos slowly to a near-climactic point… then a countdown starts though the barrage of dry ice:

Five…
Four…
Three …
Two…
One… One… One… One

Suddenly, the whole theatre is plunged into darkness, everything goes black, and metal restraints grasp the hands of every audience member as they experience five hours of ‘Black Hole Theatre’ (I’m patenting it as I type), followed by dinner at Pulcinella for £37.50 per person.

That concludes my list of magical new musicals for the future - see you in the next post!

Theatre Tickets Book Here

But what happens to the losers? Oooh, no, that sounds too harsh – let’s call ‘em ‘close runners-up’. Where are they now? Well, I’m happy to say a lot of them are doing very well (he says smoothly, as if he has Sex and the City-style cocktail nights with them all on a regular basis)…

Rachel Tucker

Who narrowly missed being cast as Nancy, has just landed herself her first West End leading lady role. The Belfast-born brunette bombshell (not easy to say after a few SATC-style cocktails) takes over the part of the sassy rebel ‘Meat’ in Queen and Ben Elton’s hit musical WE WILL ROCK YOU from Monday 22nd September.  She told me (okay, so she told everyone else, too): “It is a dream part. WE WILL ROCK YOU is one of my favourite shows. I first saw it when I was a student at the Royal Academy [name-dropper], and loved it. I am beside myself with excitement. I just can’t believe it.” Well, believe it, baby, ‘cos I’m gonna be there on the front row with a pair of highly aerodynamic Y-fronts at the ready… As the great Freddie Mercury once sung: “I am a sex machine ready to reload, like an atom bomb, about to oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, explode.”

Ben James-Ellis

The Joseph semi-finalist, has hit the big time, too. He now has to don more hairspray than my nonagenarian grandmother to keep his hair in place for, yes, you guessed it - HAIRSPRAY… and what a role to land! The musical comedy has won more awards than I’ve had skinny lattés – winning Best Musical at the Olivier Awards 2008, the Critics Circle Awards 2008, the What’s On Stage Theatregoers Choice Awards 2008 and the Evening Standard Theatre Awards 2007… how very greedy.

Daniel Boys

Lee Mead’s other fellow contestant Daniel Boys is doing pretty damn well, too. And I’m over the moon for him. In fact, I’m happy to admit that I like Boys. The ‘close runner-up’ on Any Dream Will Do can be seen nightly with his hand up the backside of a puppet in AVENUE Q. Well, someone’s gotta do it. If I had been a doctor like my mother wanted instead of a theatre guru, I would no doubt have been doing similar things to real people. Alas, these things are not to be dwelled upon…

Nor, indeed, is the whereabouts of the other ‘close runners-up’ to be dwelled upon… Only kidding, there are just too many of ‘em to mention here. If you know where they are now, drop me a line. You understand, of course, that I’m not encouraging stalking… but, as Oscar Wilde once said: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at [read ‘stalking’]the stars.”

So today, by way of a follow-up, I can present some exclusive rehearsal pictures from one of the exciting productions mentioned in that article - the much-anticipated No Man’s Land. This is the production of the Harold Pinter penned play starring funny man David Walliams, as well Michael Gambon, David Bradley and Nick Dunning.

“How is this possible?!” I hear you ask “Is Discount Theatre literally in league with the Devil?!” you scream, “How on earth could such amazing images have been procured without the aid of torture and tyranny?!”

Well, keep your hair on for just a minute and I will tell all…

Introducing Our Man on the Inside

I was sitting at my computer in Discount Theatre Towers the other day when the phone rang, and a peculiar person with a shaky Russian accent said in a harsh squawk: “Meet me on the dirty bench in Leicester Square in two minutes precisely.” As you can imagine, my ‘This is a theatre exclusive’ senses soared off the chart, so I surreptitiously got up from my wheely chair, and walked the short distance through the busy streets to the square. Beer-bellied men who probably liked eating pies and supporting West Ham were setting up the premiere of the new Keira Knightley film with strange super fans, stalkers and weirdos already lining up to glimpse the subject of their obsessive episodes.

I found the putrid bench, and sat down looking at my watch in scorn, and enjoying the fact that my mysterious phone friend was about to be late. With seconds to spare I noticed him dressed in a raincoat, trilby, and novelty dark glasses trying to sneak up and sit next to me without my knowing. I played along, and looked the other way…

Mysterious Person: “Don’t look at me I’m going to get up in a moment, and leave an envelope on the bench. If you want to live, do not try to follow me.”

Me: “Why are you speaking in that fake Russian accent?”

Mysterious Person: “Silence!!! In the envelope you will find exclusive rehearsal pictures for the new play NO MAN’S LAND, starring funny man David Walliams, as well as Michael Gambon, David Bradley and Nick Dunning. You are free to use them as you wish but if I find out that you have not properly credited the ingenious (not to mention handsome and debonair) photographer Marc Brenner I will have your balls in a bowl of lovingly prepared goulash faster than you can sing Long Live the King!”

That was it! No-one was going to have my balls and get away unscathed. It was time to confront my adversary and impart some rough justice and more than just a little piece of my mind. But when I turned to look my gift horse in the mouth he had vanished, leaving only a tiny green stain on the bench and the aforementioned envelope in its place.

My first fear was for some kind of anthrax attack on Discount Theatre Towers so I could not bring the envelope back to the office straight away for fear of an outbreak. I found my way down into the Gentlemen’s toilet to take one for the team.

With sweat pouring from my forehead / arm-pits and blood rushing through my heart, I carefully opened the package, and eased the contents free holding my breath…

Happily the amazing pictures emblazoned around this post fell out, rather than some low-grade biological WMD. Phew!

Who, or what, gave me these pictures is still a mystery, but all I can say is that I’m glad he’s on my side, and not with the enemy.

The Reviews are in…

Below you will find a very interesting review from the current run at the Gate Theatre Dublin, before the play transfers to London on September 20th. It’s amazing, the praise just keeps on Dublin and doubling and doubling…

I’m sorry comedy

No Man’s Land Tickets - Click Here