Warning: This post is not for people who enjoy boredom.
There are shows in the west end right now that can actually help you live longer, healthier and happier lives. Here’s how…
*I’m about to get a little spiritual on your ass, but stick with me because there’s a valuable theatre fable in here somewhere!*
This week (apart from theatre excursions) I have mostly been listening to the Tony Robbins audio tapes, and for the uninitiated Robbins is one of those really obnoxious American motivators who teaches how to live your life, and love your God to the max!
So whilst pounding packed streets back to my Earls Court homestead (dodging tramps and happy shoppers) I’ve been filling my ears with success techniques form the American maverick who always finishes his broadcasts with the sickly sweet catchphrase LIVE WITH PASSION.
Is This A Big Bunch Of Bull? (You Deicide)
Lesson #1
The first lesson I learned from Tony was the Law of Attraction which suggests:
“Whatever you think about consistently will show up in your life as if by magic.”
This worked for me right-out-the-box because all day long I was thinking about cooking Sirloin Steak in foaming butter / Olive Oil, and when I got home I was Magically carrying a Waitrose bag full of all the ingredients to make Sirloin Steak in foaming butter / Olive Oil, plus the *bonus* side dish of sautéed potatoes with spring onion. I literally manifested it right out of thin air and all it took was money and effort.
== >> Interesting fact: Sirloin Steak is called Sirloin steak because Henry VIII gave it a Knighthood. He thought it was scrummy too…
Lesson #2
The next thing was a concept for planning important projects called “OPA” which stands for Outcome>Purpose>Action. (It’s crucial to do it in that order.)
Here’s my OPA plan for this post; the idea is to exaggerate a little which helps with enthusiasm, passion and mental juice.
OUTCOME: Inspire the Oliver Awards ‘People’ to create a new category called “The Theatre Blogging Lifetime Achievement Award” in my honour.
PURPOSE: Because want to enrich the humanity with timely theatre titbits.
ACTION: Type like buggery for two hours, drink Starbucks, then come back and edit the shambles of words I’ve created into something that sounds kind of theatre related.
Lesson #3
The third and most theatre relevant concept in this magical three part symphony is that:
Laughter can be a REAL cure for many of Man’s problems.
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To illustrate his point Mr Robbins tells the story of a young woman who is diagnosed with a terrible disease, and instead of going through the long-winded traditional medical treatments buys the entire box set of Sex and the City DVDs. Can you guess what happened?
CURED!
After hearing this unbelievable FACT I noticed a little cough had taken root in my throat and decided to run a test. My medicine would not be Tixylix but an absolute Only Fools and Horses FEST in a darkened room…
20 hours later my little cough HAD GONE…only to be replaced by a pulsing migraine and mild vitamin E deficiency. SO IT WORKED!
WHAT on Earth has all this got to do with Theatre?
Well as if by the magic of perfect comedy timing, no sooner has this new Laughter Cure discovery come to public attention, than the West End seems to be overrun by some of TV’s best loved comedy heroes! Breaking down invisible theatre barriers and pitching up in some of London’s most cherished venues, these comedy Fat Cats are leaving a trail of broken sales records in their wake.
YES comedians have truly invaded the West End like some medieval Roman Garrisons building the straightest roads to hilarity that the world has ever seen. Accompanied on their flights of fantastic fancy by a loyal army of fans and a ‘Grizzly Death-Move’ which involves taking an innocent member of the audience and literally splitting their sides open with well observed humor.
So without further ado here are the Holy Trinity of Funsters who are set to hold the capital under hilarious siege in coming months.
French and Saunders - Still Alive
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The “Final Tour” as Britain’s most popular duo call time or their 30 year partnership with this lap of honour. You can expect to witness some of their most famous and memorable sketches in this wet-your-knickers show at the Theatre Royal!
French Says: Dawn French was the first person every to say “Blowjob” on national television, so happily they will always have their little place in the annals of history…
Venue: Theatre Royal Drury Lane
Booking From: Wednesday, 15 October 2008
Booking Until: Saturday, 08 November 2008
Billy Bailey - Tinselworm
Apparently Bill Bailey has perfect pitch which means if you go up to him and say “Hey Bill sing me and E” he will go “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” and that will be exactly the same as a perfect E on the Piano. Isn’t that wild!
Bill Says: Terrible lyrics from The Killers “I’ve got soul/but I’m not a soldier”, you might as well say “I’ve got ham/but I’m not a hamster.”
My girlfriend saw old Bill and his little son on the train the other day and wants me to urge you to book tickets because he seemed like a really loving father, patiently answering zillions of questions with a mild mannered benevolence.
But I know that YOU don’t care about all that mushy stuff and just want the HARD FACTS:
So I absolutely guarantee that this show will make you cry TEARS OF JOY :====
Venue: Gielgud Theatre
Booking From: Monday, 10 November 2008
Booking Until: Saturday, 20 December 2008
Eddie Izzard - Stripped
The Python influenced comedian who describes himself as a “male lesbian” is back doing what he does best after the small matter of conquering American TV and film.
Eddie Says: “So… I’ve decided there’s no God.”
My earliest recolection of Eddie Izzard is that his gigs would often come on just after Eurotrash. His crossdressing comedy missiles were always the perfect pudding after a heavy session of Eurotrash watching.
Venue: *Coming Soon*
Booking From: *Coming Soon*
Booking Until: *Coming Soon*
Laughter is no JOKE, depressing entertainment BE GONE!
I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to watch any of the following TV shows as they are ruining my juice and passion for life:
- Girl With 8 Legs
- The Man Who Ate His Lover
- Half-Ton Man
- She Stole My Fetus
- Update: I’m Glad I Ate My Legs
- The Boy Who Gave Birth To His Twin
- The Man Who Slept for 19 Years
- The 80-year-old Children
- The Two-Headed Baby!!!
No instead I’m going to spend every waking minute either attending fun-filled family theatre or watching classic comedy episodes from TV past, present and future.
You plonkers…
As the Old Vic Theatre is a historical landmark in the West End, I thought I would indulge my Canadian ignorance and see what it was all about. Expecting to enter a classic and beautifully preserved space, I was initially in dismay when I saw that the traditional stage had been reconstructed as a theatre round. Currently featuring the Norman Conquests, I suddenly became intrigued, realising that it was three shows in one – how decadent! So I decided to stick around to enjoy all three: Table Manners, Living Together and Round and Round the Garden. Little did I know I had just set aside the day to be spent in the theatre, but not to worry, these plays can be enjoyed together or separately. To my delight, I left the newly revamped Old Vic with pep in my step; this production is fantastic!
(Edith Piaf: This post was written to celebrate the smash-hit, sell-out run of Jamie Lloyd’s production of Piaf at the Donmar Warehouse, and its upcoming move to the Vaudeville Theatre on the 16th of October 2008, for a limited run. For Theatre Tickets click here.)
One of the biggest reasons Edith Piaf has been such an enduring icon is that despite the millions of words written in books and biographies, much of her life is still shrouded in mystery. Happily many intriguing legends have replaced boring old facts.
So to wet your appetite for the show (which opens at the Vaudeville Theatre on October 18th) here are a few of my favourites:
Born on the Pavement (Truth Rating 3/10)
Let’s kick off our run down right at the beginning, the very moment when little Edith took her first tiny breath in this cruel cruel world. Legend suggests that she was born right on the street, and when I say street I mean that her crash mat was the cold hard pavement. I was born at ‘Queen Charlotte’s Hospital’ in Hammersmith so I can only imagine the scene… screaming, scratching, lots of blood, cats looking on in wonder, men selling fruit from scruffy stalls, children playing with dog poo.
Honestly that does not sound like a very sterile environment in which birth a young infant. If I look out my window here, onto the streets of Leicester Square I can see a number of weird looking men with overlong beards and floppy cigarettes supposedly tiding up, and I must admit that London does feel a little bit cleaner recently. But the streets of Paris back in 1915 must have been teaming with nasty parasites just waiting to pounce on a little baby.
I wouldn’t have lasted a week with all those germs, not with my sickly constitution…
What’s in a name? (Truth Rating 5/10)
The Edith part of Edith Piaf’s name supposedly comes from the heroic British nurse Edith Cavell, who in World War 1 risked life and limb to transport injured British and French troops back to neutral territory. Unfortunately she was caught and sent to the firing squad, but became a martyr and hero for many people during the war, and a number of little babies were awarded the name in her honour.
The Piaf part develops many years later when fans attending her live performances were shocked to see how very small the woman was, only four feet ten inches! After saying “Ooo isn’t she small” the nickname Piaf was given, meaning “Little Sparrow” in French. (Not that I speak French you understand, apart from “Je M’Appelle Ben, et c’est mon freind Chris” and “Je voudrais roast beouf.”)
Personally I will name my two unborn daughters Sandalwood 1 and Sandalwood 2, for I believe a spirit from wood and trees runs through us all…
P.S
Why are older people called: Ethel, Maureen, Margret, Phyllis and Enoch…?
And younger people called: Flash, Imagen, Shy, Peaches, Pixies, Brooklyn, Apple, Romeo and Tiger…?
Weird…
Raised by Prostitutes (Truth Rating 8/10)
Before enlisting to help fight World War 1, Edith’s father called up his mother and said “Hi Mum, I’m just off to help fight World War 1, would you mind watching the baby for me until I get back”. His Mother said “SURE!”
The only slight issue here was that Edith’s grandmother was the madam of a Paris brothel, which for some ‘Bleeding Heart Liberals’ might not sound like ideal place to bring up an innocent young girl.
But by all accounts little Edith had a whale of a time making friends with the women there, allowing herself to be fussed over and adopted as their little cherub of sin.
Let there be sight (Truth Rating 5/10)
Another rumor I’ve often heard is that Edith lost her sight when she was three due to a nasty condition called Keratitis, in which the eye’s cornea becomes inflamed.
Cue a piece of amazing kindliness on the part of her grandmother’s brothel women who scrimped and saved, pooling their money they sent Edith on a religious pilgrimage resulting in sight being restored.
It’s a miracle….
CDs in 1946 (Truth Rating 0/10)
Finally the music world catches on and realizes that Edith Piaf has just the right mixture of talent and tragedy to sell bucket loads of CDs, which were invented right after the World War 1 to boost moral. (Just like our latter-day Pop Idols who always seem to be most successful when struggling with some kind of drug abuse or family tragedy.)
Club owner Louis Leplée was first to discover Edith singing on the streets and persuaded her to perform at his establishment even though she had crushing stage fright.
That was it, everybody loved the ‘Little Sparrow’ and the world became her oyster card.
Ello Ello (Truth Rating 1/10)
During World War 2 Edith was branded ‘Traitor’ due to her frequent performances for the German troops, although she always maintained that throughout this period she was really working as a double agent for the French resistance, and used her position and popularity to aid the war effort.
That sounds kind of feasible to me, so I think I’m going to believe it wholeheartedly. It’s like my mother always says, “Don’t let questionable morals get in the way of an enjoyable iTunes playlist, apart from when it comes to Gary Glitter!”
Biggest Star in the Universe (Truth Rating 10/10)
Due to her rather colorful lifestyle Edith Paif was denied a funeral mass by the Roman Catholic archbishop when she died. But 100.000 people came along anyway, and Paris descended into complete chaos and standstill for a good few hours.
A qwerky Russian astronomer even named a tiny little planet in memory of the singing-pocket-rocket, planet 3772 Piaf.
Theatre Tickets / London Theatre Tickets
Hamlet London: When I first heard the news, I immediately let out a hearty laugh in response to my sheer excitement and curiosity. What’s this you say? Is it true Jude Law and David Tennant to play Hamlet in the West-End? I can’t think of anything more scandalous and absolutely wonderful. Two actors, with different skills and aesthetics, set to play one of the most demanding and intense roles in theatre history. Get bloody ready folks – it’s about to get messy.
2x Hamlet London = Once in a lifetime…
It is not often that such a monumental occasion graces the West-End; but frankly I’m looking forward to it. I’m not a huge Dr.Who fan (stop waving your fists about, I watched Tennant in Harry Potter and loved it!), but I have come to know that this role has been institutionalised in Britain; Tennant packs a lot of heat. As for Jude “man-pretty” Law, his credits in the silicone (oops, did I just say that?) valley of Hollywood is more notable than his previous stints on stage with Oscar Nominations strapped to his proverbial belt. Do you think he’ll be allowed to slather on the bronzer by the way? Law’s Hamlet may need a sun-kissed glow… it is s
eemingly his red carpet standby.
So, where and when can we expect the showdown? You want the dirty details? Be prepared for a theatrical battle set to commence this 3rd of December as the RSC version will kick off at the Novello Theatre. The Donmar’s production of Hamlet isn’t scheduled to ignite until May 29th allowing the Royal Shakespeare Company to hit up Theatreland first.
It is no secret that David Tennant is a well trained actor with plenty of experience on stage and enough praise to last him a lifetime. Performances of the RSC production finish in Stratford-Upon-Avon on Nov. 15th after a great run that began in July ‘08. It has been wagered that this contemporary version of Hamlet (which sees Tennant looking like a straight-up bum in some scenes) will differ in many ways to the Donmar interpretation, to be directed by the talented Kenneth Branagh (so I have a crush…don’t judge me). Read more
